Photographs by Arianne Clément
Maybe you've felt it too.
That moment when, in your relationship, there are no more spontaneous gestures, no more passion, just habits that accumulate like layers of dust.
In the evening, you are in the same bed, but your bodies are no longer looking for each other.
In the morning, words are exchanged mechanically, like a well-oiled routine.
And in the heart, a dull question arises:
« Do I still count?
Does he still see me?
Does she still desire me? »
The pain of marriage is often just that: not lacking love,
but lacking vitality, lacking momentum, lacking a common breath.
We still love each other, but we don't know how any more.
This is a silent pain, made of absence in the presence, of disappointed expectations, and sometimes of a distance that no one has truly chosen.
At the start of a story, we are curious. We observe the other person, listen to them, and discover what makes them laugh, dream, or feel excited.
Then life arrives.
Lovers become partners. Partners become parents. Parents sometimes become managers of an unending daily routine.
One evening, she finishes tidying the kitchen. He checks the children's homework. They pass each other in the hallway.
«Have you thought about calling the plumber?»
«Yes. And you, have you made your dentist appointment?»
They talked to each other all evening. Yet, they didn't really get to know each other.
A few weeks later, she puts on a dress he once loved. A few drops of perfume. She unconsciously awaits a look. A word. A spark.
It's not vanity. It's the deeply human need to still feel seen.
And sometimes, it's him who no longer knows how to reach her. Each attempt seems to fall at the wrong moment. So he tries less often. Then almost not at all.
Little by little, each person suffers in silence from a lack that no one names. Not a lack of love, but a lack of presence.
We have often reduced desire to sexuality.
Yet, desire begins well before that.
It is born when a woman feels watched.
When a man feels welcome.
When there is still a space for curiosity between two people.
A woman told me one day:
« I don't believe I've lost the desire.
I mostly believe that I no longer feel desired. »
This sentence sums up what many couples are going through.
Because desire does not just consist of wanting the other.
It also consists of feeling chosen.
To feel waited for.
To feel important in the eyes of another.
Desire is a living energy.
It is born in a lingering gaze.
In an unexpected attention.
In a hand that rests without asking.
In the feeling that, despite the years, something still continues to connect us.
When it is no longer fed, it does not necessarily disappear.
It just goes to standby.
Like a fire that one stops feeding.
The embers are still there.
But they need air to come back to life.
This is why so many couples tell me:
« We still love each other, but we don't feel much anymore. »
Very often, it's not love that's lacking.
It's not even always desire.
This is the path that leads to it.
And this path rarely leads to greater performance.
He passes more often through a greater presence.
The lack of touch rarely happens all at once.
He settles in discreetly.
In the beginning, there are still the gestures.
A hand placed on a thigh in the car.
An arm around the shoulders.
A caress of the hair.
Then fatigue arrives.
The children are arriving.
Responsibilities are coming.
Worries are coming.
And the gestures disappear one after another.
Without anyone actually deciding to delete them.
One evening, while watching a series, she realised she couldn't remember the last time he had simply stroked her face.
Not to get something.
Not to initiate a sexual relationship.
Just for the pleasure of touching her.
This thought surprises her.
She says nothing.
But something tightens inside.
A few days later, it's him who feels an emptiness.
He sits down next to her on the sofa.
He would like to get closer.
To put one's arm around one's shoulders.
Then he hesitates.
He no longer knows if this gesture will be well received.
So he stays there.
A few centimetres.
And those few centimetres sometimes seem like several kilometres.
This is how distance grows.
Rarely in major crises.
Often in the accumulation of thousands of small gestures that no longer exist.
Yet, the body continues to remember.
The body remembers the comfort of a hand.
From the warmth of a presence.
Of the feeling of being expected.
To be welcomed.
To be desired.
That's precisely why touch has such power.
Because it awakens something that existed before words.
Before the conflicts.
Before customs.
Even before the couple's story.
When couples come to my workshops, they often think they're going to learn massage.
They devise gestures, a technique, a protocol.
And of course, they learn that.
But that's almost never what transforms them the most.
What they discover, in reality, is space.
A space where there's nothing to achieve.
Nothing to produce.
Nothing to prove.
Just a moment of finally slowing down.
Time to watch.
Time to listen.
Time to feel.
Over the years, I have built my teaching around of the touch of the five elements.
Not as a theory to be learned, but as an invitation to rediscover certain qualities essential to any living relationship.
Sometimes a couple needs more stability.
Sometimes more fluidity.
Sometimes more heat.
Sometimes more lightness.
Sometimes just more space to breathe.
The body often understands this before the mind.
Couples rarely come away saying:
«We have learned a massage protocol.»
They often leave saying:
« We've found something. »
A sweet.
A rapport.
A curiosity.
A quality of presence.
A different way to look at it.
The massage then becomes a ritual.
And rituals have this rare power to restore value to what seemed to have become ordinary.
Loving isn't always enough.
Love needs to be nurtured.
He needs time.
Gestures.
From glances.
Moments when we cease to be solely organisational partners and become two beings capable of connecting again.
This is precisely what I convey in My tantric massage workshops for couples.
Not a method for saving a relationship.
But an art of caring for the bond before it withers.
For when two people learn to meet each other differently, it often happens that tenderness returns.
And with it, sometimes, desire.
Hajira LAMRABET,
Tantric massage trainer
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Le Toucher de Soie invites you to explore your body in a deep and sensitive way, to awaken your vital energy and reconnect fully with yourself.